The day that wasn't

...Or the post that shouldn't be...

Just got home from the end of my "no-work" day. I finally got the time to say: "Screw it, today's gonna be for relaxation". Not after presenting a project and spending a day at the college, but those are details.

Was it a bad day? No, can't say it was. It was really a good day, I'm relaxed, even though it's three in the morning and a sudden rush to post got into me.

normally my consciousness would jump in to play, stopping me from committing such a mistake as giving my emotional self a bit of fresh air, letting him get a stroll in the park, a chance to speak, a chance to vent itself. And of course, from the moment I write these lines that conscience pulls the leash of the emotional me, and says "AH AH AH AHah... Don't go that way". So this will be a regular post, just like everyone of the others that sit around this blog.

Why did I got a sudden rush to post (hey, I liked the phrase...)

Coming home from what it should have been a quiet (and fun) evening at the cinema. Being in touch with an uncommon situation (I would say once in a lifetime, but you never know), that constrained me from having a normal conversation, I had to resort to a monologue, or something close to a monologue. There I was faced with something a friend told me the other day, and it simply fits me entirely:

I have a fobia about what the others are thinking of me.

Probably fobia is too strong of a word to use to describe it, but it's the word I would like to use. In every word of the monologue I was trying to predict what would be the effect of what I was saying in the other person, always trying not to say something that could damage my image in the eyes of that person. That goes to another one of my fears. The fear of failure. In this case, the fear of diminishing the friendship, love or whatever you want to call it, that the other intervener in the conversation has for me. I care too much about it, can't seem to let it slide. So there's a unnaturalness in the contact with that person. Meanwhile I'm trying to freeze my image in that person's spirit/mind.... Can't seem to let go, to live life as it is.

Why is this so important?

Why?

I feel I probably caused some sort of damage with this type of attitude to the relationship with two of my dearest friends. I don't want to do it a third time.

I'm now in a moral debate if I should allow comments. I will. But please, if you're going to use any of these words for a joke, for a personal attack... I'm begging you... Do it in another time.

Thanks to all of my friends, especially, and in no particular order, Mia, Cat, and "Tchak Tchak".

PS: I'm really having second thoughts in posting this... but I'll do it.
PS1: Mental Note: In another post, talk about the "playing the victim"
PS2: .... <- Erased by my rational self